Becoming Grandma

Fran & Siblings - Birthday Party (1962..?) in a silver coach

In the end only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived and gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.

Buddha

This poem truly resonates when applied to the notion of becoming a grandparent. I have recently become a grandma for the 3rd time and it has caused me to look back at those I have loved and who have loved me, to reflect on my life so far and things long forgotten…

My recollection of my paternal grandmother Jane [Morgan] was that she wore her cardigan over her shoulders, not using the sleeves. To this day I do not know if this is a true lived memory of mine or if it is based on a photograph. Her husband Cecil worked in the Indian Civil Service. By repute he was pretty scary and/or just downright rude depending on who you listen to!

Apparently he came to dote on me, which I totally believe since recently discovering many postcards he wrote to his eldest daughter Anna signing off with Dadzie(s) or Dada or both - much to my surprise he was capable of being human. This recent revelation stands in stark contrast to his apparent personality when I was born - at which time it is said, upon hearing the news of a girl, he slammed the phone down. When my brother came along 2 years later he apparently kissed the cook. Apocryphal… Well I was the firstborn of a titled family. In fact when my firstborn was a boy I was strangely relieved, something my husbands parents couldn’t understand.

My paternal grandmother Jane [Morgan]

Wearing her cardigan over her shoulders

My maternal grandmother, Eileen Elizabeth died before I was born. Opal, my step-grandmother appeared to float about the place. To me she seemed much more approachable than her husband Herbert Holt, who’d fought in both World Wars. His only son Paddy was killed in action in 1944. Looking at photos of him and me I now realise he too had a very soft spot.

Myself and Grandaddy Holt

An amusing anecdote that I do recall quite clearly was that both my parents would say that I was most like each of their mothers!

Photo Albums

My thoughts and feelings toward my grandparents have changed considerably quite recently, since I collected masses of family albums from my step-brother. They were found in a barn where my father had left them over 10 years ago. In these I have discovered lots of photos of me as a baby and young child with both my paternal grandparents and maternal grandfather.

The majority of the photographs in the found albums are black and white, as they were taken in the 1950s - some later ones are colour.

At first I was dismayed at this discovery because there were so many boxes to go through, some of which were pretty damp and smelly. However once I bit the bullet and started unpacking each item I realised this was a heaven sent gift of unique reference material, which was exactly what I needed in this moment. Upon reflection it has changed the way I see my relatives, giving them all a much more relatable appearance than I’d first thought, including my great-grandfather Jackie Fisher.

I do remember quite clearly sharing holidays with my grandparents. They came to see us at Abbotsley, and we visited them at Kilverstone Hall in the 1950s. These memories are triggered by the black and white photos, many involving the garden door at Kilverstone, which was so often used for photo shoots, and still is by my older brother and his family.

This same garden door also figured more recently in an ‘Art as Biography' workshop I did at Seawhites. I worked from a coloured photo of me, my 3 siblings and our father.

The garden door at Kilverstone…

I also remember trips to Nassau in the Bahamas to stay with Grandaddy and Opal. My father took lots of photos of these holidays - often in colour. We also visited them at Send Grove in Surrey.

I was told that my grandmother, Jane [Morgan], was quite a technical wizard. She made home movies and often used red albums to display her photographs; unwittingly I have adopted this same tradition. Interestingly I found sealed envelopes containing negatives in some of the albums found in the barn, which seems like an excellent idea. In her youth Jane was a Master Mariner. I was again reminded of this when I found her obituary in one of the boxes, as well as a copy of the Certificate.

Jane Morgan

Master Mariner certificate

Becoming grandma

I remember Patch & Kay [my brother & sister-in-law] becoming grandparents. They also held christenings at Kilverstone for many of Juliet’s children (their eldest child).

I tease my Danish school-friend Lone, who now has 8 grand-children, as I clearly recall her worrying that her children wouldn’t procreate; a fact she cannot remember at all! Another school-friend, Pennie, who lives in the Channel Islands, keeps me updated with all of her grandchildren. …. all of these have informed my feelings and behaviour on grand-parenting.

Truthfully, until it happened, I found it almost impossible to imagine having grandchildren myself.

When in March 2013 Tom phoned me with the wonderful news that I would soon be a grandparent I was both thrilled & panicked in equal measure. At the time I was working in The Linen Shop in Horsham and chatting with a family friend - Anna.

Tom having his children brought back strong memories for me of his birth in 1985….… Becoming a grandparent myself has allowed me to create my own version of ‘Grandma’. One that includes all I have seen, experienced and learned from my life.

Traditions new and old

We had lots of family traditions including ‘Hares & Rabbits’ = first of the month. Birthdays were always a big event, I seem to recall my mother would give unbirthday presents to each sibling - true or false?? There are many black & white photos of me & my siblings in a silver coach! I continued this birthday tradition with my kids, often hiring entertainers and always decorative birthday cakes, a Ghostbuster one, 3 Bears tucked up in bed, a Galleon - clearly this was a funnel for my creative urges. These were displayed alongside plates of egg & mayonnaise bridge rolls, marmite sandwiches & chocolate finger biscuits.

One new tradition that has evolved with Tom’s boys is ‘Meditating’; they dress up in layers of my clothes - any extras going into suitcases. We then ‘go on holiday’ in a pretend aeroplane on my bed.

I also love making art with them and cooking and exploring in the woodland at home. Visiting Jack’s Den on the public footpath and going to Harrods Toy department with Sam. We used to do this when we were taken to London as children, particularly to visit the dentist in Sloane Street - I think this was to help with that!

When Mollie was born I felt both anxious and relieved; and completely overwhelmed. Recently a friend asked if Molly reminded me of Sal as a baby. That is an interesting question which I find difficult to answer.

I often read cookery books when breast-feeding Sal, which may have led to her becoming a chef?

Both Angus and I have spent masses of time with Molly shortly after her birth in France and on lots of visits to the UK once she got her passport. I also met with Sal and Molly in Paris in the Autumn. We visited museums, did a lot of walking, some shopping and ate in restaurants. A highlight was catching the courtesy bus from the Champs Elysees to see a Joan Mitchell exhibition at the amazing Louis Vuitton Foundation. More recently Molly and I ‘shopped’ together while her mother was having her eyes tested. I’m already looking forward to more of these outings.

As I look forward I anticipate with joy the many get togethers; family meals at home, photo albums, drawings and paintings of my children and grandchildren, yet to come.

All of these experiences seem to open my eyes to new subjects for my art.

With the benefit of hindsight, I now feel able to look at things quite differently as each new phase of my living develops before me.

Exciting times on all fronts - I wonder what will emerge in my art…?